24th

Today I am 24 years old and tomorrow we are 22 weeks. That means we're less than 18 weeks away from meetin you. We found out I have a rare blood type, so we are working on figuring out the safest place to have ya. There are only six weeks left of the school year but I am BURNT OUT. No  more creative teaching ideas, not much momentum. I am ready to just sleep and eat and swim and sleep and eat, and see the family. I'm also feeling anxious about flying internationally while being supa pregnant with you, and knowing that when I get back you will be on your way a month later. I'm missing my daddy a lot lately, so I am looking forward to spending some time with him, but then I am feeling emotional about being away from your papa for 5 weeks. I'm feeling emotional about everything, actually. Everything makes me cry lately; the slightest things hurt my feelings. I think this is how I know you are a little girl.

 Your daddy and I walked around after my birthday dinner tonight and stopped in a children's store. There were little baby dresses and headbands. We gravitate toward polka dots and greens. Touching the little baby trinkets made it seem a little more real; we weren't browsing for ourselves; we had you in mind. That's what our lives will be like now.

I wonder who you will look like. You've got some good genes in you, ya know. The Hardells and the Richburgs alike are some good looking people. In about a week we'll get a 3/4d ultrasound done, and know for sure how you're doing in there. This whole thing has been a waiting game; that makes me emotional too; a little helpless, a little resentful of the way China does things. But maybe while we're checking out your kidneys, we'll get a good look at your face next week, if the doctor let's us.

Overall these days I feel torn. I am grateful and at times joyful over our life here, over the friends we have made. The cross cultural exchanges are what make living here the most worth while (even if they are sometimes a bit insulting.) A Chinese friend of mine is teaching me a bit of Mandarin, and I wonder all the time about her future-- what Jesus might have for her. Maybe I can be a part of it. I also know that financially it is completely prudent for us to be here....But I do ache for family, especially now. I wonder about our future too, yours and mine and your papa's...What will we end up doing in China in the long run? What do I want to do when I grow up? I never really got around to answering that question...Your dad tells me to dream, and to write and to sing, and finish school if I want to. Maybe I will. It all sounds so daunting, especially school. Thinking about returning to an area in which you failed, or didn't even fail, just laid down and gave up, is scary. I wish I was more brave. Being your mama makes me want to be brave.

Anyway little lady. Thanks for the birthday kicks today. I have been begging you to move more lately, and those flutters were my favorite gift today :)

love mama.