Our Story

Eisley:

2:30 pm- wet

3:30 pm- nursed

7:30 pm- nursed (about 20 minutes)

8:30-10 pm- sleep

10-10:35 pm- nursed

11- sleep

2 am- nursed

4 am- nursed

You’re here.

Saying my heart exploded when I met you is entirely an understatement…More than just my heart exploded. My entire insides experienced an overwhelming and fierce upheaval. Maybe it is that my heart expanded to occupy my entire body, to accommodate what I feel for you.

Last Sunday, one week ago, severe contractions began. By the middle of the night they were 10 minutes apart, then 7 by morning. I did some of my laboring in the tub, which was soothing, and by 7:30 am Monday morning our bags were by the door and I was yelling through intense pain, waiting as my family rushed around for any last minute things we might need.

I’ve joked for most of this pregnancy that I probably make my taxi drivers leery of taking me anywhere for fear that I will go into labor in their car. But Monday your daddy, papa and nanny piled in the back seat and your laboring mama was bracing herself four minutes apart, shouting to your dad to time and for everyone else to please be quiet until it passed. Our driver didn’tspeak English but he clearly knew what was going on, as “OH MY GOSH OWWWWWWWW!”from the mouth of a swollen, baby bellied woman is universal. I also got very very sick moments before arriving at the hospital, and he had to pull to the side of the road to let me out. He was white knuckled clutching the steering wheel, driving as fast as he possibly could. I wonder what was going through his mind.

8:30 By the time I get to the laboring room, I am 3 cmdilated. Our hospital doesn’t allow papas in the room with mamas for the actual delivery, but they are willing to let yours in for the laboring portion. In fifteen minutes he is suited up in scrubs and knocking on the door, but I have already dilated 8 cm. Our sweet nurse, Fanny, opens the door to him and says, “No need you come in, baby will be here very soon.” I look at her and say, “I won’t be able to have an epidural, will I.” “No need!” she says, and they wheel us to the delivery room.

9:15 There are five or six nurses in here with me, as well as the doctor who will deliver you. Fanny is the only one who speaks English,and she is very pregnant herself. We have butted heads on a few occasions during some appointments- two pregnant ladies sometimes just don’t mix. I was very sensitive, she was very abrasive. But right now, giving birth to you- I am so thankful she is here. I think I tell her this eight or nine times in between contractions, with tears running down my face. She keeps telling me I am so brave, that my baby is coming, and she is not small! I remember thinking that I need to shout louder than this pain to get through it- I was yelling at the top of my lungs. The doctor scolds me- in labor with you!!- NOT TO SHOUT. I want to give her something to shout about.

9:35 Fanny is telling me that she sees your head, that you are almost here, that I am so brave. She tells me to push again when I feel I need to- I tell her I don’t want to push anymore. She squeezes my hand and pours water in my mouth and tells me my baby is almost here. One more, maybe two more times and I can meet you. The pain is absolutely blinding. Exhaustion suddenly turns into extreme focus, and I feel your body- this person that has been growing in me for nearly a year!- come out of mine. Then I hear it. The most beautiful- most moving- most hand crafted for my heart sound- your tiny little baby Eisley cry.

I feel wave on wave on wave of relief. You are here. That you can breathe. That the pain is over.

The doctors have to stitch me and I haven’t seen you yet. I don’t know why this is, but they didn’t feel the need to numb me. Maybe they thought the pressure of labor would have numbed me naturally, but it sure didn't. I feel each and every stitch and am screaming in torment. Again they tell me to relax. Again sweat and tears are running down my face. I ask Fanny again and again- do they know I can feel it. Can they give me medicine. Please no more.

A nurse across the room is wrapping you up, and she brings you over to me. I can’t touch you yet, but she wisely puts your face right up to mine. You open your eyes. You look right into me. You devastate and ruin mein this moment. I can’t believe how gorgeous you are. You’re clean, a little swollen, and your eyelashes are blonde- almost white. So clear, so awake and alert. You’re taking me in and I’m taking you in. And the pain literally washes away. I don’t feel anything except your gaze. I always thought the word "miracle” was tired- but I get it now. Your smell and your eyes and the exploding inside me- I’ll never forget.

There was a lot of craziness over the next day and a half, and they didn't let your daddy meet you until two hours after you were born, and the doctor caused you a sugar crash, and the nurses gave you a heat rash, and at one point the sugar water they tried to give you caused you to choke and turn completely purple while the nurses stood around saying you were fine and tapping your back. Your daddy grabbed you from them and ran out the door and down the hall to NICU- we literally pushed the nurses to follow, yelling that you were not fine and to please help you. Your nanny still says it was theworst moment of her life. I had an IV in my hand and couldn’t follow- your grandpa came back and prayed with me and a few moments later I heard your cry again. Our time in the hospital was a lot to handle, but it really doesn't matter at all now. I told you before that your life is a miracle. You came right on time, you are so long and chubby and beautiful and your daddy is so crazy in love. Your neck is so strong, your grip is so tight, your eyes are so wide.

When I first saw your dad after giving birth to you, I told him that what they say about forgetting the pain- it’s all a lie. How could anyone forget that. A week in and I see what they are talking about. You made a mommy out of me, Eisley. In a second you turned us into a family. I stare at you in awe that you are here- you are finally here and I can finally verify for myself moment by moment that you are okay. You have a diaper rash today and I said that your little cries of pain hurt worse than labor. You break my heart-you absolutely devastate me with emotion! One day you might read this and roll your eyes, but it’s all true. I just can’t believe you're mine.

I guess I’ll stop there because there is enough gush to never really end. Ridiculous loads of love, my baby.

Mama