Tuesday, April 24, 2012

19 weeks


Dear birdy,

Today we’re 19 weeks, and I don’t feel like doing much of anything. I’m not sure how truly difficult pregnancies go, but in the past two weeks you’ve given me a pinched nerve, a  numb left leg, lots of reasons to vomit, and a tummy that let’s say, just won’t ‘go’. I’ve been getting emotional a lot intermittently for no rational reason, and the song “That’s my Daughter” made me cry today. We still don’t know for sure what you are yet, but I’ve been calling you ‘him’…”I can’t wait to meet him…” “I wonder what he looks like…” “I just felt him move…” They say your movements should occur right after I eat and right as I am settling into bed at night, but I feel like you wanna talk to me all the time. You’re kicking me now, even. It’s very subtle but I can just picture you floatin around in there with your feet over your head, discovering your toes. I love you so much.


Dad and I have been reading a book on French parenting. Not that we want to be French exactly, but we do want you to sleep through the night as soon as possible. It turns out it’s not as impossible as we all think. The book is written by an American mom living and raising her three kids in France. It’s kind of refreshing to read a book about an expat, ‘cause accept it or not, that is what we are! It has taken us a few months to get acclimated and build a functional life here, but we’re doing it, for the most part. Granted, she is in a European country, with endless cheese and bread at her disposal, but the feeling of isolation and the hiccups of frustrating days still apply. Sometimes I see pregnant ladies I know from home on Facebook and I have to fight the feelings of despondency. I am out of most of the makeup I like to use, and these hormones have really given me a fresh reason to cover up, but at this point Maybelline would do. Tonight I am craving cheese and crackers and Mango juice, but those items are a bit out of our budget this month. I am in desperate need of a Target trip.


On a very bright note, your Aunt Sarah and your Aunt Stephanie sent your papa home with lots of cute maternity clothes for me, and last week our friend Jenny gave me a big bag, too. So, I have been feeling much cuter and less behemoth-ish lately. I actually have no idea if I am gaining the right amount of weight. My tummy is stretching outward like a little watermelon but everything else looks basically the same.  I’ve been trying to exercise and do strength training a few times a week so that having you will be as smooth as possible, and so that I can heal fast and keep up with all o’ your needs after you get here, but sleepiness has sure slowed me down! If it weren’t for wrinkle free skin and the baby bump, I’d be mistaken for a little old lady around here.


After we thought we lost you, and possibly lost your brother or sister, and then found out we still had you, I basically panicked. All my thoughts were deeply laden with worry. About the diabetes, about being in China, about not knowing if I would get the right care, or what sort of care I should be getting in the first place. And then there was the matter of our apartment. It just seemed inconceivable to me to have a little tiny you in this little tiny place. We don’t have a western toilet, and even though we have our house cleaned twice a week, we still struggle with roaches. I would love to bring you into a roach free world, and maybe a world with a bathtub. I started planning our move to a new ‘baby appropriate’ apartment, as though it were a given that this place just won’t do. Somewhere in there the phrase “starter home” settled over my brain, and I realized that I was acting pretty spoiled, ‘in the name of my baby’. I remembered that most families don’t start out with their ideal home. The thing is, our apartment is not bad at all. I wish we had some natural light, I wish we were not on the second (smelly) floor, I wish we had a tub and a western toilet and that we would never see another roach again, but here we are. Accepting that it would be wiser to stay here has caused me to look at our place with appreciation and possibilities. The China Ikea website has helped my outlook a lot, too.


Your pappy’s takin on lots of extra work for us, and that’s pretty great. I miss him when he goes to tutor in the evenings but I definitely agree that absence makes the heart grow fonder. You’ll learn lots of cliché phrases when you get out here with the rest of us. But remember that just because it’s cliché doesn’t make it any less true! This way we can buy you a nice crib to do your sleepin and some nice diapers to do your…other business.


Well I should probably go. The apartment has taken on a China smell and I need to go cover it with a fresh layer of Glade.


iluhyou. Keep up all this crazy kicking and growing you’ve been up to! Mom’s proud. 

Saturday, April 7, 2012

curses and praise

Today was another day in which I cursed t1 diabetes. Mostly for you. I don't feel great either but I can usually handle that fine...Today we came to Guanjhou for an Ikea trip and I ran out of insulin. I remembered to pack extra test strips and juice in case of a low. I forgot the extra insulin in my other purse. Brilliant. I took the four units that remained, (relieved that I hadn't eaten yet today and my last check was normal), ate a salad and vegetable soup for lunch, and prayed that we would be fine for just a few hours.

45 minutes later my blood sugar reading was over 200 and I decided I needed to take the train home early. I got lost, wandered into a global doctor, asked about their insulin and ultrasounds, and got directions to the train station. An hour later I found the right line. A very long line. My eyes and hands were hurting, I was feeling nauseated and worrying about you, and was not feeling too gracious toward the overcrowding of a Chinese city. (Terrible smells, smoke being blown in your face, being shoved CONSTANTLY as if no one can see you.) Decided to just wait for the others to finish shopping.

My eyes have welled up in anger and frustration a few times today that yet again diabetes was ruining things. "Costing too much. Changing my plans. Making me sick. Making you sick. Making me reliant on things that get stuck at the border in customs for MONTHS; making me reliant on things that I wait months for, which then break or dysfunction shortly after finally arriving. I do ALL I can do and somehow, I never seem to get a leg up. If only I'd remembered...How could I be so thoughtless? Why did we ever move here...Maybe this was a huge mistake....." Etc.

But I can't change it. I can correct it in a few hours and pray one more time that Jesus protects you. But that's it. If damage will be done, it's done.

So. I just sucked it up. No tears rolled down my face today. They welled up with my bitter thoughts, and then dissipated. Because really, what else could I do?

I could do this. I could pray. This is what I prayed: "Jesus, please teach my heart to praise and trust, and not to curse and cry. Amen."

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

movin and shakin

I got to see you again yesterday. The Chinese doctor always tells me I don't need to come so often, but I get anxious. I have only had ultrasounds, no real prenatal appointments. I am going to rectify that soon! There is a global doctor here that I am going to try to see this week. We'll see what they have to say about you and me.

I wanted to try and see if you are a boy or a girl, but the 4d machine was broken. I still am thinking you are a boy. The ultrasound tech had a hard time getting a good picture of you because you would NOT be still!! You are a mover and a shaker! It's really fun to see you move on the screen, and I am beginning to think that when I can finally feel you I am in for it!

Today I am feeling GREAT!! The flu and the majority of the coughing I've had for the past 6 weeks are finally passing. I took a four hour nap after chattin with your papa online and woke up feeling brand new. SO I started a new workout regimen that involves a lot of bouncing around and 'shaking it'- I feel it is appropriate what with your apparent hyper-active personality :) Hopefully your mama worked off some of the potato chips I opened in the middle of the grocery store and proceeded to stuff my face with in an animalistic hunger-craze. I have been trying to make the best nutritional choices I can in China. You really help in that endeavor. Any pizza or potato chips I eat haunt my thoughts because I picture you snackin on empty carbs and it makes me pretty sad. So anywho- sorry for the sour cream and onion :/ I'll try harder the rest of the week! (This probably means that I should give away the mini cheesecake I bought on that same shopping trip.) I just want to be healthy and not gain forty five pounds while I'm bakin' you and give you the best of my food options.

Your daddy comes home in 4 days!! Pretty excited about that. (If for no other reason, so that he can clean out the fridge. I can't stomach some of those unidentifiable items.)

xoxo