19 weeks

Dear birdy,

Today we’re 19 weeks, and I don’t feel like doing much of anything. I’m not sure how truly difficult pregnancies go, but in the past two weeks you’ve given me a pinched nerve, a  numb left leg, lots of reasons to vomit, and a tummy that let’s say, just won’t ‘go’. I’ve been getting emotional a lot intermittently for no rational reason, and the song “That’s my Daughter” made me cry today. We still don’t know for sure what you are yet, but I’ve been calling you ‘him’…”I can’t wait to meet him…” “I wonder what he looks like…” “I just felt him move…” They say your movements should occur right after I eat and right as I am settling into bed at night, but I feel like you wanna talk to me all the time. You’re kicking me now, even. It’s very subtle but I can just picture you floatin around in there with your feet over your head, discovering your toes. I love you so much.

Dad and I have been reading a book on French parenting. Not that we want to be French exactly, but we do want you to sleep through the night as soon as possible. It turns out it’s not as impossible as we all think. The book is written by an American mom living and raising her three kids in France. It’s kind of refreshing to read a book about an expat, ‘cause accept it or not, that is what we are! It has taken us a few months to get acclimated and build a functional life here, but we’re doing it, for the most part. Granted, she is in a European country, with endless cheese and bread at her disposal, but the feeling of isolation and the hiccups of frustrating days still apply. Sometimes I see pregnant ladies I know from home on Facebook and I have to fight the feelings of despondency. I am out of most of the makeup I like to use, and these hormones have really given me a fresh reason to cover up, but at this point Maybelline would do. Tonight I am craving cheese and crackers and Mango juice, but those items are a bit out of our budget this month. I am in desperate need of a Target trip.

On a very bright note, your Aunt Sarah and your Aunt Stephanie sent your papa home with lots of cute maternity clothes for me, and last week our friend Jenny gave me a big bag, too. So, I have been feeling much cuter and less behemoth-ish lately. I actually have no idea if I am gaining the right amount of weight. My tummy is stretching outward like a little watermelon but everything else looks basically the same.  I’ve been trying to exercise and do strength training a few times a week so that having you will be as smooth as possible, and so that I can heal fast and keep up with all o’ your needs after you get here, but sleepiness has sure slowed me down! If it weren’t for wrinkle free skin and the baby bump, I’d be mistaken for a little old lady around here.

After we thought we lost you, and possibly lost your brother or sister, and then found out we still had you, I basically panicked. All my thoughts were deeply laden with worry. About the diabetes, about being in China, about not knowing if I would get the right care, or what sort of care I should be getting in the first place. And then there was the matter of our apartment. It just seemed inconceivable to me to have a little tiny you in this little tiny place. We don’t have a western toilet, and even though we have our house cleaned twice a week, we still struggle with roaches. I would love to bring you into a roach free world, and maybe a world with a bathtub. I started planning our move to a new ‘baby appropriate’ apartment, as though it were a given that this place just won’t do. Somewhere in there the phrase “starter home” settled over my brain, and I realized that I was acting pretty spoiled, ‘in the name of my baby’. I remembered that most families don’t start out with their ideal home. The thing is, our apartment is not bad at all. I wish we had some natural light, I wish we were not on the second (smelly) floor, I wish we had a tub and a western toilet and that we would never see another roach again, but here we are. Accepting that it would be wiser to stay here has caused me to look at our place with appreciation and possibilities. The China Ikea website has helped my outlook a lot, too.

Your pappy’s takin on lots of extra work for us, and that’s pretty great. I miss him when he goes to tutor in the evenings but I definitely agree that absence makes the heart grow fonder. You’ll learn lots of cliché phrases when you get out here with the rest of us. But remember that just because it’s cliché doesn’t make it any less true! This way we can buy you a nice crib to do your sleepin and some nice diapers to do your…other business.

Well I should probably go. The apartment has taken on a China smell and I need to go cover it with a fresh layer of Glade.

iluhyou. Keep up all this crazy kicking and growing you’ve been up to! Mom’s proud.