rant.

one more week til we hit the six month mark. i can't believe how fast time is flying. starting to waddle, and your dad thinks it's pretty amusing. a common thing to hear at our house is, 'hey, Waddle." :)

over the weekend i experienced what normal must feel like. for the first time in quite a while i was relatively anxiety-free. i wasn't worried about who from home is angry or hurt by me not keeping in better touch, i wasn't worried about what your papa might be thinking of me, i wasn't worried about if the people i work with think i am a good enough 'Christian'or if i was failing miserably at my job. i wasn't even really worried about diabetes and money and how everything has panned out with healthcare here. (all the things that normally plague my mind.) i felt content. no bitterness, no envy. no restlessness.

today, little dearie, is another story. today is a special kinda day. the kind of day where every crying three year old and every ounce of spilled glue makes me feel more and more like a pot that is about to boil over. it feels like every nerve is exposed and everything that brushes against me could make me come undone. since this raw on edge-ness is probably just 'hormones', i want it to feel as simplified as that word. 'hormones' is a euphemism for "you think you are surely losing your mind, but the reality which you cannot possibly see, and which will not make you feel any better whatsoever, is that you are not."

when you are a foreigner living in china and you are pregnant, EVERY SINGLE person feels it is their duty to point out what you are obviously not aware of: you are pregnant. being pregnant at home probably makes a woman the target of lots and lots of unwarranted advice too, but HERE the culture difference literally makes you appear to be doing EVERYTHING wrong.

i, for example, should not be:
drinking cold water
swimming
running
walking swiftly
wearing tank tops
eating spicy food
eating watermelon
eating candy
standing in front of an air conditioner
eating so much
eating so little
eating anything fried
taking any sort of medicine whatsoever
wearing makeup
wearing earrings
wearing belts
wearing form fitting clothing
laying on my side
laying on my back
laying on my stomach
carrying anything
putting any pressure on my belly (sometimes i poke ya bc i want you to move)
using the computer
watching certain movies
watching television
standing directly in the sun
administering insulin directly into my belly
raising my hands above my head

also:
my belly should be much bigger by now,
my booty should be much smaller.

i know it comes from a good place. i know it does. i know it is not meant to offend and overwhelm me. but the 'hormones' combined with the constant comments on my physique and on my appetite or lack of is driving.me.crazy.

all this and a lack of actual contact with an actual doctor who cares about anything i have to say or am actually feeling in my actual body is driving me to the edge. i'm not stupid-- and most of the time, somewhere in my head, i know it's not entirely that personal.

i am also not neglectful; i live on the other side of the world and have a whole life going on here and i am busy being mine and my baby's own doctor. i am married. i am working full time with preschoolers. i am PREGNANT. i am TIRED. i don't do well with guilt. not lately, anyways. i don't want a guilt trip. i want a care package. or an acknowledgement of how well we have done adjusting to foreign life and marriage and pregnancy and new jobs and just making due without some essential medical things we have needed. i don't want ill timed advice. i do, sort of a lot today, want to scream.

i get to go home in 33 days, and then i will eat cottage cheese and peaches and whole wheat bagels with natural peanut butter and sunbathe and have all my medical supplies FINALLY, to my heart's content.

and that, little baby, was your first exposure to a rant.

24th

Today I am 24 years old and tomorrow we are 22 weeks. That means we're less than 18 weeks away from meetin you. We found out I have a rare blood type, so we are working on figuring out the safest place to have ya. There are only six weeks left of the school year but I am BURNT OUT. No  more creative teaching ideas, not much momentum. I am ready to just sleep and eat and swim and sleep and eat, and see the family. I'm also feeling anxious about flying internationally while being supa pregnant with you, and knowing that when I get back you will be on your way a month later. I'm missing my daddy a lot lately, so I am looking forward to spending some time with him, but then I am feeling emotional about being away from your papa for 5 weeks. I'm feeling emotional about everything, actually. Everything makes me cry lately; the slightest things hurt my feelings. I think this is how I know you are a little girl.

 Your daddy and I walked around after my birthday dinner tonight and stopped in a children's store. There were little baby dresses and headbands. We gravitate toward polka dots and greens. Touching the little baby trinkets made it seem a little more real; we weren't browsing for ourselves; we had you in mind. That's what our lives will be like now.

I wonder who you will look like. You've got some good genes in you, ya know. The Hardells and the Richburgs alike are some good looking people. In about a week we'll get a 3/4d ultrasound done, and know for sure how you're doing in there. This whole thing has been a waiting game; that makes me emotional too; a little helpless, a little resentful of the way China does things. But maybe while we're checking out your kidneys, we'll get a good look at your face next week, if the doctor let's us.

Overall these days I feel torn. I am grateful and at times joyful over our life here, over the friends we have made. The cross cultural exchanges are what make living here the most worth while (even if they are sometimes a bit insulting.) A Chinese friend of mine is teaching me a bit of Mandarin, and I wonder all the time about her future-- what Jesus might have for her. Maybe I can be a part of it. I also know that financially it is completely prudent for us to be here....But I do ache for family, especially now. I wonder about our future too, yours and mine and your papa's...What will we end up doing in China in the long run? What do I want to do when I grow up? I never really got around to answering that question...Your dad tells me to dream, and to write and to sing, and finish school if I want to. Maybe I will. It all sounds so daunting, especially school. Thinking about returning to an area in which you failed, or didn't even fail, just laid down and gave up, is scary. I wish I was more brave. Being your mama makes me want to be brave.

Anyway little lady. Thanks for the birthday kicks today. I have been begging you to move more lately, and those flutters were my favorite gift today :)

love mama.

baby girl.

Eisley Eleanore~ 

Baby girl!! You're our baby girl. We had an emergency ultrasound yesterday after work at a new hospital, because I hadn't felt you moving for a few days. There you were, all girl, moving like normal, and there was your heart beat, pumpin away. You're beautiful. 

I was floored because I have been offhandedly calling you a 'he' the past few weeks and have felt so  convinced you were a boy. We have another appointment Monday morning for a 4d ultrasound to look atchya in even more detail. It will be sort of hilarious if all of a sudden you're a boy again. We'll see. Either way. Like we've been saying all along. Either way :) 

<3 we love you bird. Can't wait to kiss those lil hands and squeeze that lil body.