Today was another day in which I cursed t1 diabetes. Mostly for you. I don't feel great either but I can usually handle that fine...Today we came to Guanjhou for an Ikea trip and I ran out of insulin. I remembered to pack extra test strips and juice in case of a low. I forgot the extra insulin in my other purse. Brilliant. I took the four units that remained, (relieved that I hadn't eaten yet today and my last check was normal), ate a salad and vegetable soup for lunch, and prayed that we would be fine for just a few hours.
45 minutes later my blood sugar reading was over 200 and I decided I needed to take the train home early. I got lost, wandered into a global doctor, asked about their insulin and ultrasounds, and got directions to the train station. An hour later I found the right line. A very long line. My eyes and hands were hurting, I was feeling nauseated and worrying about you, and was not feeling too gracious toward the overcrowding of a Chinese city. (Terrible smells, smoke being blown in your face, being shoved CONSTANTLY as if no one can see you.) Decided to just wait for the others to finish shopping.
My eyes have welled up in anger and frustration a few times today that yet again diabetes was ruining things. "Costing too much. Changing my plans. Making me sick. Making you sick. Making me reliant on things that get stuck at the border in customs for MONTHS; making me reliant on things that I wait months for, which then break or dysfunction shortly after finally arriving. I do ALL I can do and somehow, I never seem to get a leg up. If only I'd remembered...How could I be so thoughtless? Why did we ever move here...Maybe this was a huge mistake....." Etc.
But I can't change it. I can correct it in a few hours and pray one more time that Jesus protects you. But that's it. If damage will be done, it's done.
So. I just sucked it up. No tears rolled down my face today. They welled up with my bitter thoughts, and then dissipated. Because really, what else could I do?
I could do this. I could pray. This is what I prayed: "Jesus, please teach my heart to praise and trust, and not to curse and cry. Amen."
I've been wondering for a few days whether it was appropriate to comment or not...since this is for you bird, and all...
ReplyDelete...but i want you to know that i love this blog. and i'm reading your letters. and i'm praying for you, and loving you from waaaaaay over in michigan. the road you are traveling through life has taken some really phenomenal, high-speed turns lately...and so it's natural to get a little carsick. trust the driver, though. He knows where He's going.
if this really is just for your bird...i won't be bothered if you delete my comment. :) love you!
I love your comment!! Commenting is totally fine and me and mah lil baby bird approve. After all, it is a public blog :) Not sure what I will do with it after baby comes. Just continue writing letters, I spose. Thank you for the encouragement. It made me smile and means so much. Loving YOU from China!!
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