rant.

one more week til we hit the six month mark. i can't believe how fast time is flying. starting to waddle, and your dad thinks it's pretty amusing. a common thing to hear at our house is, 'hey, Waddle." :)

over the weekend i experienced what normal must feel like. for the first time in quite a while i was relatively anxiety-free. i wasn't worried about who from home is angry or hurt by me not keeping in better touch, i wasn't worried about what your papa might be thinking of me, i wasn't worried about if the people i work with think i am a good enough 'Christian'or if i was failing miserably at my job. i wasn't even really worried about diabetes and money and how everything has panned out with healthcare here. (all the things that normally plague my mind.) i felt content. no bitterness, no envy. no restlessness.

today, little dearie, is another story. today is a special kinda day. the kind of day where every crying three year old and every ounce of spilled glue makes me feel more and more like a pot that is about to boil over. it feels like every nerve is exposed and everything that brushes against me could make me come undone. since this raw on edge-ness is probably just 'hormones', i want it to feel as simplified as that word. 'hormones' is a euphemism for "you think you are surely losing your mind, but the reality which you cannot possibly see, and which will not make you feel any better whatsoever, is that you are not."

when you are a foreigner living in china and you are pregnant, EVERY SINGLE person feels it is their duty to point out what you are obviously not aware of: you are pregnant. being pregnant at home probably makes a woman the target of lots and lots of unwarranted advice too, but HERE the culture difference literally makes you appear to be doing EVERYTHING wrong.

i, for example, should not be:
drinking cold water
swimming
running
walking swiftly
wearing tank tops
eating spicy food
eating watermelon
eating candy
standing in front of an air conditioner
eating so much
eating so little
eating anything fried
taking any sort of medicine whatsoever
wearing makeup
wearing earrings
wearing belts
wearing form fitting clothing
laying on my side
laying on my back
laying on my stomach
carrying anything
putting any pressure on my belly (sometimes i poke ya bc i want you to move)
using the computer
watching certain movies
watching television
standing directly in the sun
administering insulin directly into my belly
raising my hands above my head

also:
my belly should be much bigger by now,
my booty should be much smaller.

i know it comes from a good place. i know it does. i know it is not meant to offend and overwhelm me. but the 'hormones' combined with the constant comments on my physique and on my appetite or lack of is driving.me.crazy.

all this and a lack of actual contact with an actual doctor who cares about anything i have to say or am actually feeling in my actual body is driving me to the edge. i'm not stupid-- and most of the time, somewhere in my head, i know it's not entirely that personal.

i am also not neglectful; i live on the other side of the world and have a whole life going on here and i am busy being mine and my baby's own doctor. i am married. i am working full time with preschoolers. i am PREGNANT. i am TIRED. i don't do well with guilt. not lately, anyways. i don't want a guilt trip. i want a care package. or an acknowledgement of how well we have done adjusting to foreign life and marriage and pregnancy and new jobs and just making due without some essential medical things we have needed. i don't want ill timed advice. i do, sort of a lot today, want to scream.

i get to go home in 33 days, and then i will eat cottage cheese and peaches and whole wheat bagels with natural peanut butter and sunbathe and have all my medical supplies FINALLY, to my heart's content.

and that, little baby, was your first exposure to a rant.

24th

Today I am 24 years old and tomorrow we are 22 weeks. That means we're less than 18 weeks away from meetin you. We found out I have a rare blood type, so we are working on figuring out the safest place to have ya. There are only six weeks left of the school year but I am BURNT OUT. No  more creative teaching ideas, not much momentum. I am ready to just sleep and eat and swim and sleep and eat, and see the family. I'm also feeling anxious about flying internationally while being supa pregnant with you, and knowing that when I get back you will be on your way a month later. I'm missing my daddy a lot lately, so I am looking forward to spending some time with him, but then I am feeling emotional about being away from your papa for 5 weeks. I'm feeling emotional about everything, actually. Everything makes me cry lately; the slightest things hurt my feelings. I think this is how I know you are a little girl.

 Your daddy and I walked around after my birthday dinner tonight and stopped in a children's store. There were little baby dresses and headbands. We gravitate toward polka dots and greens. Touching the little baby trinkets made it seem a little more real; we weren't browsing for ourselves; we had you in mind. That's what our lives will be like now.

I wonder who you will look like. You've got some good genes in you, ya know. The Hardells and the Richburgs alike are some good looking people. In about a week we'll get a 3/4d ultrasound done, and know for sure how you're doing in there. This whole thing has been a waiting game; that makes me emotional too; a little helpless, a little resentful of the way China does things. But maybe while we're checking out your kidneys, we'll get a good look at your face next week, if the doctor let's us.

Overall these days I feel torn. I am grateful and at times joyful over our life here, over the friends we have made. The cross cultural exchanges are what make living here the most worth while (even if they are sometimes a bit insulting.) A Chinese friend of mine is teaching me a bit of Mandarin, and I wonder all the time about her future-- what Jesus might have for her. Maybe I can be a part of it. I also know that financially it is completely prudent for us to be here....But I do ache for family, especially now. I wonder about our future too, yours and mine and your papa's...What will we end up doing in China in the long run? What do I want to do when I grow up? I never really got around to answering that question...Your dad tells me to dream, and to write and to sing, and finish school if I want to. Maybe I will. It all sounds so daunting, especially school. Thinking about returning to an area in which you failed, or didn't even fail, just laid down and gave up, is scary. I wish I was more brave. Being your mama makes me want to be brave.

Anyway little lady. Thanks for the birthday kicks today. I have been begging you to move more lately, and those flutters were my favorite gift today :)

love mama.

baby girl.

Eisley Eleanore~ 

Baby girl!! You're our baby girl. We had an emergency ultrasound yesterday after work at a new hospital, because I hadn't felt you moving for a few days. There you were, all girl, moving like normal, and there was your heart beat, pumpin away. You're beautiful. 

I was floored because I have been offhandedly calling you a 'he' the past few weeks and have felt so  convinced you were a boy. We have another appointment Monday morning for a 4d ultrasound to look atchya in even more detail. It will be sort of hilarious if all of a sudden you're a boy again. We'll see. Either way. Like we've been saying all along. Either way :) 

<3 we love you bird. Can't wait to kiss those lil hands and squeeze that lil body. 

19 weeks

Dear birdy,

Today we’re 19 weeks, and I don’t feel like doing much of anything. I’m not sure how truly difficult pregnancies go, but in the past two weeks you’ve given me a pinched nerve, a  numb left leg, lots of reasons to vomit, and a tummy that let’s say, just won’t ‘go’. I’ve been getting emotional a lot intermittently for no rational reason, and the song “That’s my Daughter” made me cry today. We still don’t know for sure what you are yet, but I’ve been calling you ‘him’…”I can’t wait to meet him…” “I wonder what he looks like…” “I just felt him move…” They say your movements should occur right after I eat and right as I am settling into bed at night, but I feel like you wanna talk to me all the time. You’re kicking me now, even. It’s very subtle but I can just picture you floatin around in there with your feet over your head, discovering your toes. I love you so much.

Dad and I have been reading a book on French parenting. Not that we want to be French exactly, but we do want you to sleep through the night as soon as possible. It turns out it’s not as impossible as we all think. The book is written by an American mom living and raising her three kids in France. It’s kind of refreshing to read a book about an expat, ‘cause accept it or not, that is what we are! It has taken us a few months to get acclimated and build a functional life here, but we’re doing it, for the most part. Granted, she is in a European country, with endless cheese and bread at her disposal, but the feeling of isolation and the hiccups of frustrating days still apply. Sometimes I see pregnant ladies I know from home on Facebook and I have to fight the feelings of despondency. I am out of most of the makeup I like to use, and these hormones have really given me a fresh reason to cover up, but at this point Maybelline would do. Tonight I am craving cheese and crackers and Mango juice, but those items are a bit out of our budget this month. I am in desperate need of a Target trip.

On a very bright note, your Aunt Sarah and your Aunt Stephanie sent your papa home with lots of cute maternity clothes for me, and last week our friend Jenny gave me a big bag, too. So, I have been feeling much cuter and less behemoth-ish lately. I actually have no idea if I am gaining the right amount of weight. My tummy is stretching outward like a little watermelon but everything else looks basically the same.  I’ve been trying to exercise and do strength training a few times a week so that having you will be as smooth as possible, and so that I can heal fast and keep up with all o’ your needs after you get here, but sleepiness has sure slowed me down! If it weren’t for wrinkle free skin and the baby bump, I’d be mistaken for a little old lady around here.

After we thought we lost you, and possibly lost your brother or sister, and then found out we still had you, I basically panicked. All my thoughts were deeply laden with worry. About the diabetes, about being in China, about not knowing if I would get the right care, or what sort of care I should be getting in the first place. And then there was the matter of our apartment. It just seemed inconceivable to me to have a little tiny you in this little tiny place. We don’t have a western toilet, and even though we have our house cleaned twice a week, we still struggle with roaches. I would love to bring you into a roach free world, and maybe a world with a bathtub. I started planning our move to a new ‘baby appropriate’ apartment, as though it were a given that this place just won’t do. Somewhere in there the phrase “starter home” settled over my brain, and I realized that I was acting pretty spoiled, ‘in the name of my baby’. I remembered that most families don’t start out with their ideal home. The thing is, our apartment is not bad at all. I wish we had some natural light, I wish we were not on the second (smelly) floor, I wish we had a tub and a western toilet and that we would never see another roach again, but here we are. Accepting that it would be wiser to stay here has caused me to look at our place with appreciation and possibilities. The China Ikea website has helped my outlook a lot, too.

Your pappy’s takin on lots of extra work for us, and that’s pretty great. I miss him when he goes to tutor in the evenings but I definitely agree that absence makes the heart grow fonder. You’ll learn lots of cliché phrases when you get out here with the rest of us. But remember that just because it’s cliché doesn’t make it any less true! This way we can buy you a nice crib to do your sleepin and some nice diapers to do your…other business.

Well I should probably go. The apartment has taken on a China smell and I need to go cover it with a fresh layer of Glade.

iluhyou. Keep up all this crazy kicking and growing you’ve been up to! Mom’s proud. 

curses and praise

Today was another day in which I cursed t1 diabetes. Mostly for you. I don't feel great either but I can usually handle that fine...Today we came to Guanjhou for an Ikea trip and I ran out of insulin. I remembered to pack extra test strips and juice in case of a low. I forgot the extra insulin in my other purse. Brilliant. I took the four units that remained, (relieved that I hadn't eaten yet today and my last check was normal), ate a salad and vegetable soup for lunch, and prayed that we would be fine for just a few hours.

45 minutes later my blood sugar reading was over 200 and I decided I needed to take the train home early. I got lost, wandered into a global doctor, asked about their insulin and ultrasounds, and got directions to the train station. An hour later I found the right line. A very long line. My eyes and hands were hurting, I was feeling nauseated and worrying about you, and was not feeling too gracious toward the overcrowding of a Chinese city. (Terrible smells, smoke being blown in your face, being shoved CONSTANTLY as if no one can see you.) Decided to just wait for the others to finish shopping.

My eyes have welled up in anger and frustration a few times today that yet again diabetes was ruining things. "Costing too much. Changing my plans. Making me sick. Making you sick. Making me reliant on things that get stuck at the border in customs for MONTHS; making me reliant on things that I wait months for, which then break or dysfunction shortly after finally arriving. I do ALL I can do and somehow, I never seem to get a leg up. If only I'd remembered...How could I be so thoughtless? Why did we ever move here...Maybe this was a huge mistake....." Etc.

But I can't change it. I can correct it in a few hours and pray one more time that Jesus protects you. But that's it. If damage will be done, it's done.

So. I just sucked it up. No tears rolled down my face today. They welled up with my bitter thoughts, and then dissipated. Because really, what else could I do?

I could do this. I could pray. This is what I prayed: "Jesus, please teach my heart to praise and trust, and not to curse and cry. Amen."

movin and shakin

I got to see you again yesterday. The Chinese doctor always tells me I don't need to come so often, but I get anxious. I have only had ultrasounds, no real prenatal appointments. I am going to rectify that soon! There is a global doctor here that I am going to try to see this week. We'll see what they have to say about you and me.

I wanted to try and see if you are a boy or a girl, but the 4d machine was broken. I still am thinking you are a boy. The ultrasound tech had a hard time getting a good picture of you because you would NOT be still!! You are a mover and a shaker! It's really fun to see you move on the screen, and I am beginning to think that when I can finally feel you I am in for it!

Today I am feeling GREAT!! The flu and the majority of the coughing I've had for the past 6 weeks are finally passing. I took a four hour nap after chattin with your papa online and woke up feeling brand new. SO I started a new workout regimen that involves a lot of bouncing around and 'shaking it'- I feel it is appropriate what with your apparent hyper-active personality :) Hopefully your mama worked off some of the potato chips I opened in the middle of the grocery store and proceeded to stuff my face with in an animalistic hunger-craze. I have been trying to make the best nutritional choices I can in China. You really help in that endeavor. Any pizza or potato chips I eat haunt my thoughts because I picture you snackin on empty carbs and it makes me pretty sad. So anywho- sorry for the sour cream and onion :/ I'll try harder the rest of the week! (This probably means that I should give away the mini cheesecake I bought on that same shopping trip.) I just want to be healthy and not gain forty five pounds while I'm bakin' you and give you the best of my food options.

Your daddy comes home in 4 days!! Pretty excited about that. (If for no other reason, so that he can clean out the fridge. I can't stomach some of those unidentifiable items.)

xoxo

16 weeks.

goin on sixteen weeks bebedoll.  you are getting bigger and so am i! most of my pre-you clothes don't fit me anymore. we're in China so 'real' maternity pants aren't much of an option for me right now. Instead I have been using the old hair-tie trick. Looping a hair band through my pants button hole and around the button to give myself just a liiiitle more wiggle room. Thankfully your papa's a real sweetie and has let me do some light shopping for some tops that cover than more than a little awkward wide open zipper. :) It's so fun to wake up in the mornings and realize that you grew a little more while I was sleepin'.


we've been discussing sendin' you and I back to the states for the rest of these nine months. We just think you might need a special doctor after you are born, and that mama needs a high risk pregnancy doctor before you come. Don't worry, we'll figure it all out.


Your dadders is in America for about 2 weeks. I have been a little bit weepy and sad about it, but since you're in my belly I kinda just blame it on you ;) Trust me when I say he is quite a good papa to you already, and I just miss him. I've been very sick for a few days now. I had a bad cold (I think I complained about it to ya last month) that lasted about 3 weeks, which was closely followed by a flu. Aches, shivers, coughing and a stuffy nose. While it makes me a little more sad to not have your dad around, (his hugs are pretty comforting, you'll see) you and I have been sleeping an awful lot, so that makes the time pass a smidge faster.


Anyways....just wanted to pop in and congratulate you on making it to sixteen weeks. This means next week I may be able to find out if you're a little Eisley Eleanor or a little Silas Van. Hopefully you show us the goods in your ultrasound ;) Either way I'm gunna snuggle you like crazy. Whatever you are, sick or perfectly healthy, agile or special needs, extremely shy or totally funny. You're OURS and we just adore ya.

love you snugglebug.